After watching Ben Affleck on Tom Brady’s roast, it pretty much confirms what everyone has always suspected:

Matt Damon wrote Good Will Hunting by himself.

Below is a pic of how he gets jobs.

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Netflix’s Roast Of Tom Brady’s Most Hilarious And Harsh Highlights, Including Gisele Divorce Jokes, Will Ferrell’s Ron Burgundy And More

(Image credit: Netflix)

Everybody with a Netflix subscription has been granted some exclusive comedy anew thanks to the Netflix Is a Joke fest, with John Mulaney’s Everybody’s In L.A. going the whole nine yards (or six nights) in giving viewers a totally unique experience. But only one event could exist in just a single iteration: The Roast of Tom Brady, the live and 100% NSFW special aimed at the so-called GOAT of NFL-dom, with plenty of extra targets hit along the way.

And wow to the wow, right from the kickoff, host Kevin Hart got right to it, setting the bar lower than low before Roast Master Jeff Ross took everything down to Hell and back again. Unsurprisingly, a whole lot of downright awful jokes were made at not only Tom Brady’s expense — “Fuck you, Tom!” came close to catchphrase territory — but at the expense of everyone whose name came up during the event, which is already destined to be one of Netflix’s best stand-up specials, especially with a run-time that pushed three hours.

Let’s loosen the gloves and dive into some of the harshest jokes that were made during the night, from gags covering the timeline of Tom and Gisele Bündchen’s relationship to jokes about Rob Gronkowski’s intelligence to a comparison between Brady and some of history’s most notorious killers.

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SO. MANY. JOKES. ABOUT THE GISELE BÜNDCHEN DIVORCE

(Image credit: Netflix)

As soon as it was announced that Tom Brady would be the subject of a new celebrity Roast, the lineup of subject matter ripe for the pickin’ was pretty clear, and his soured relationship with ex-wife Gisele Bündchen, as well as co-parenting their children, would be on the table. But holy shit, that table was actually a butcher’s block the side of a small neighborhood.

Nobody pulled any punches when talking about Tom Brady leaving the New England Patriots for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, or his failed cryptocurrency efforts, but none of those barbs were nearly as razor-edged as the CONSTANT barrage of divorce jokes that Brady suffered throughout the night. While the kids themselves were mostly off-limits, the jiu-jitsu instructor Bündchen was seen with, so to speak, was very much on-limits. Check out some of the zingers below.

“Single life is what you deserve because you had no choice. Gisele gave you an ultimatum. Gisele said, ‘You retire, or we’re done.’ That’s what she said to you, Tom. ‘You retire, or we’re done.’ Let me tell you something. When you’ve got a chance to go 8-9 and all it will cost you is your wife and your kids, you gotta do what the fuck you gotta do, do you understand me? Yeah, you gotta do it. . . . Yeah, Tom! Fuck them kids!” – Kevin Hart
“You know obviously, buddy, you got really used to not being touched, right? Just like the end of the marriage. Look, buddy, you’ve got more rings than I do, but I’ve experienced a couple of things that you’ll never experience: The feeling of being the No. 1 overall draft pick in the NFL and a 28th wedding anniversary. It was yesterday.” – Drew Bledsoe
“The only thing dumber than you saying yes to this roast was when you said, ‘Hey babe, you should try jiu-jitsu.’ That’s gotta suck. How much would it suck for Tom just knowing your ex-wife’s new boyfriend can beat your ass while eating hers?” – Nikki Glaser
“You’re the best to ever play, for too long. You retired, then you came back, then you retired again. I mean, I get it. It’s hard to walk away from something that’s not your pregnant girlfriend. Hey, to be fair, he didn’t know she was pregnant, he just thought she was getting fat. Tom hates fat. I mean, do you know about his diet program? It is so strict, but if you follow it exactly as he does, you too, can lose your family. Seriously, you could lose so much family. It works.” – Nikki Glaser
“Gronkowski, Edelman, Welker. That’s not a receiving corps, that’s a law firm. And with that divorce coming up, you’re gonna need them. Oh, that’s why Dana’s here, so you can learn how to fuck a Brazilian out of half their purse.” – Andrew Schulz

No stone left unturned, as they say, even if “they” definitely weren’t talking about Tom Brady’s relationship woes at the time. There were 100% moments where the Super Bowl GOAT looked ready to crawl under just such a rock, but thankfully kept his game face on and laughed throughout the majority of the vicious punchlines.

THOSE O.J. SIMPSON AND JERRY BUSS BURNERS

(Image credit: Netflix)
Kevin Hart proved himself to be quite the energetic Roast host, as he gleefully took on every imaginable kind of joke about his height and his movie choices, and also gave lots of props while also dishing out a multitude of clever jabs. (That got a bit more slurred as the night went on.) And he let audiences know exactly what kind of night we were in for just by him talking about the very building the event was being held in, the Kia Forum, and its history tied to not Tom Brady’s sport of choice, but basketball. In Hart’s words:

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A lot of greatness has happened in this building. This is the home of the original Showtime Lakers, man, Jerry Buss. You know a lot of people actually don’t know the real reason behind the name ‘Showtime.’ It’s not because of, like, Magic and Kareem and their play. They called this place ‘Showtime’ because Jerry Buss used to show everybody his dick in this building. This was where Jerry Buss pulled his dick out. A lot of nasty shit has happened in this building. A lot of fucking has went down in the Forum. That’s what they called it. The Fucking Forum is what they called it. I wish I had a black light right now, I’d turn that bitch on so y’all could see all the cum stains you sittin’ on these nasty-ass seats. It’s a nasty place.

And before The Roast of Tom Brady could even hit the 20-minute mark, out came RoastMaster General Jeff Ross, wearing a flaming O.J. Simpson jersey and black gloves, even if he took both off after making this his blistering opening:

The Juice is loose tonight! If the gloves don’t fit, you must talk shit! What’s up, Patriots? I just came from Hell. Aaron Hernandez says hello. Yeah, muthafuckers, it’s a Roast. And I had to dress like O.J., because I’m about to kill this white bitch right here! [points to Tom Brady]

That was followed by Kevin Hart joking about Jeff Ross only being angered by the O.J. Simpson scandal because a waiter was killed. Even Tom Brady had an O.J. joke late in the Roast when he ripped on Peyton Manning with a line about a white Bronco speeding down the 405. I can’t say I expected those in particular, but that was just naivety on my part.

RON BURGUNDY GETTING THE CROWD GOING WITH THAT ELI MANNING CHANT

(Image credit: Netflix)
It’s always a delightful surprise whenever Will Ferrell brings Anchorman’s Ron Burgundy out for a sports-adjacent appearance. The character is where some of Ferrell’s most quotable lines came from, and he was certainly on-point after taking the stage at The Roast of Tom Brady, with the gag being that he kept complimenting Brady in spite of his innate hatred. But his big moment wasn’t a traditional insult, but rather the fact that he set up a nightmare scenario for the NFL vet and his fans, in which seemingly the entire crowd chanted out:

Eli Manning made Tom Brady his bitch!

The chant refers to the two Super Bowls where Tom Brady and the Patriots lost to Eli Manning and the New York Giants, and the bonkers plays that went into those victories. As a longtime NFL fan, especially one who recalls both of those Super Bowls quite fondly, this was one of the wildest things I’ve ever seen with my eyeballs and heard with my eyes. Props to everyone who took part.

SO MANY AARON HERNANDEZ JOKES

(Image credit: Netflix)
Nothing is ever sacred when it comes to Roasts, and while past TV airings often cut out some of the most malicious comments, the live aspect of Netflix’s special made that a no-go. And while I can’t say for sure that jokes about NFL superstar-turned-murderer Aaron Hernandez and his in-prison suicide would have been cut from a Comedy Central telecast, for example, the number of them possibly would have been cut back.

But since we’re already, we might as well point out a couple of pitch-black jabs that caused some of the biggest cringes of the night.

“Now please give it up for zero-time Super Bowl champion Randy Moss! I’m sorry, Randy, why don’t you have a ring? What the hell, man? You’re one of the best ever. Drew Bledsoe has a ring. Aaron Hernandez had a ring, around his neck.” – Nikki Glaser
“Now, everyone always asks me how big Gronk’s dick is. Now don’t get me wrong, it gets the job done. But there was this other Patriots tight end, now he was hung.” – Julian Edelman
“Everyone’s up here talking about what a big winner Tom is, but let me tell you, Tom is afraid of the Giants. Which is why Kevin Hart is hosting tonight. All night he’s been using the stool that Aaron Hernandez kicked out from under himself.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
“Professor Gronkowski, my boy. Thank you for being here. Despite everything we’ve seen here tonight, Gronk was actually useful on the field. Although the bar for Patriots tight ends was pretty low back then: block, catch, don’t murder.” – Tom Brady

I mean, when even the dude’s former buddy and quarterback is bringing those jokes to the special, with a healthy dose of tequila involved, then I guess all bets are off. But yeesh while giggling behind my hands all the same.

BEN AFFLECK’S WEIRD SOCIAL MEDIA DIATRIBE

(Image credit: Netflix)
It was generally a highlight to see Ben Affleck taking the stage to get all Boston about shit, although I can’t say I expected his presence to be an extended rant against social media trolls. That said, it was still kind of fun to watch it play out, as weird and 2014 as it was.

And if nothing else, the Oscar winner’s presence gave Tom Brady a chance to invoke Kevin Smith by poking fun at Jersey Girl, Phantoms (yo), and Bat-fleck. What’s the Venn diagram of Brady fanatics and Snyder-verse fanatics?

HOW OFTEN ROB GRONKOWSKI LOOKED INTO THE CAMERA WHEN PEOPLE JOKED ABOUT HIM BEING A DUMMY

(Image credit: Netflix)
If someone only turned The Roast of Tom Brady on during certain moments of the special, one might easily be swayed into thinking Rob Gronkowski’s intelligence was actually the target of everyone’s prickly comments. Just about everyone took a swing at that broad side of the barn, and plenty of them were hilarious. (No props for some of the slurs used in those insults, nor during any of the gay jokes in this “locker room” though.) A few of the jabs that rose to the top:

“‘Forum’ is also the way Rob Gronkowski counts to 5. ‘4, um, 5, um…’ Poor Gronk, he thinks his last name is Owski.” – Jeff Ross
“Rob Gronkowski is…not all here. No, Rob, you’re not really as dumb as you look, and sound, and act, and are. He might be dumber. Is it true you were the first person born with CTE? Is that real? . . . You haven’t caught this much heat since you were microwaved as a baby.” – Nikki Glaser

“Gronk, I’m happy you could take a break from writing letters to Santa to be here today. I knew you were here when we were all out of chocolate milk backstage. By the way, Gronk, that’s Kevin Hart sitting next to you, that’s not your shadow. Gronk, you look like the Nazi that kept burning himself on the ovens. You look like the final boss on ‘George Floyd: The Video Game.’” – Tony Hinchcliffe
“Tom also lost $30 million in crypto. Tom, how did you fall for that? I mean, even Gronk was like, ‘Me know that not real money.’ Gronk actually does bitcoin, which is where he just chews on a handful of nickels.” – Nikki Glaser

Nearly as funny as the jokes made at Gronkowski’s expense were the number of times the camera would turn to catch his and Kevin Hart’s reactions, and the former tight end would look directly down the barrel of the lens. It happened so many times, I couldn’t tell if it was him doing a bit, Office-style, or if he was only looking up because his name was said, and just happened to look into the camera 4 out of 5 times.

BERT KREISCHER AND TOM SEGURA COMPARED TOM BRADY TO HITLER

(Image credit: Netflix)
Seemingly any online debate will eventually arrive at the point where one side compares the other to Adolf Hitler, but longtime envelope-pushers Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura didn’t even wait for an argument to ensue. They came to The Roast of Tom Brady with a visual-assisted presentation that, in part, compared the former quarterback to some of history’s most notorious serial killers, such as that other good-looking T.B., Ted Bundy.

The apex was reached when, while standing in front of the image seen above, the two comedians dropped this double-dose of gobsmackers:

“The only difference between Tom Brady and Hitler is that he stuck with his wife until the end.” – Bert Kreischer
“At least Hitler had the balls to do what we wish Brady would: put a bullet in his head. Stay retired.” – Tom Segura

Understandably, this was one of a couple of points during the night when those on stage made sure to point out that the things being said were only jokes, and that they did not want to be harmed by others.

TONY HINCHCLIFFE’S WHOLE DAMN RUN

(Image credit: Netflix)
For a comedian whose entire career and persona are based in part on insult comedy, the onus was obviously on Tony Hinchcliffe to deliver the goods for his return to Netflix, which hosted his 2016 stand-up special One Shot. The comedian and podcaster absolutely slayed with every energetic pop that he delivered, with winning lines like those below (and others scattered elsewhere):

“Tom Brady, why do you look like a gay Tom Brady?”
“Sam Jay, everybody, killed. An obese, African-American lesbian, so by having her, Netflix checked off a lot of boxes. She is a black lesbo, which means she doesn’t eat pussy, she ‘Aw, hell gnaws’ on it.”
“Bert Kreischer is a king. He looks like if the Tiger King and the Liver King only ate Burger King and had a liver that looked like Martin Luther King got beat up by Rodney King.”

And of all the jokes about Jeff Ross’ Jewishness that were voiced throughout the three hours, I was possibly most tickled by Hinchcliffe saying that Ross only watches football for the coin tosses. Not everything he says has to necessarily be vile in some way, although when it does…watch out.

KEVIN HART GETTING BILL BELICHICK AND ROBERT KRAFT TO TAKE A SHOT TOGETHER

(Image credit: Netflix)

Some wild AF jokes were made about New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft, specifically his alleged past dealings involving massage parlors and other topics, and former Patriots coach Bill Belichick also took on his fair share of shit-talk. But at no point did I think the twain should or would meet, but Kevin Hart made that happen by voicing into existence the former colleagues taking the stage to share a shot of booze.

Granted, Belichick did not look like he was super-pumped to be doing so, and left the stage as soon as humanly possible, but good on him for being cordial about it without throwing his shot glass down like Gronk did.

THOSE TWO A+ JOKES ABOUT KEVIN HART AND THE ROCK’S FRIENDSHIP

(Image credit: Netflix)
Even though the special featured all manner of A+ zingers about football, not even the world of professional wrestling went without a reference or two. Or at least one of its most successful superstars, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, whose history of joking with Kevin Hart and being the actor’s BFF came up for a pair of hilariously NSFW jokes, as seen below:

“Kevin is 5’2”, 150 pounds. 155 after The Rock finishes. You’re his favorite Fleshlight.” – Nikki Glaser
“Kevin Hart, or — as he’s known in the industry — The Rock’s bottom. Kevin is best friends with The Rock. His dad was also best friends with the rock — crack. We could smell what he was cooking — crack.” – Andrew Schulz

To be expected, Kevin Hart lost his mind laughing at both of those, with Nikki Glaser taking a moment to extend her showmanship after making that comment, as one should after comparing another to a larger person’s sex toy.

TOM BRADY’S BIG RESPONSE

(Image credit: Netflix)
Having heard a near-unending line of hellacious opinions and insults thrown his way for the better part of three hours, Tom Brady was armed and dangerous whenever he finally took the stage again to close out the stellar special. Obviously a lot of his lines were prepared by others, but that’s not important, since he was the one tipsily reading all those F-bombs for live audiences both in-arena and streaming from home.

And he did indeed get some of the night’s big whoppers, which were aimed at Peyton Manning, Kanye West (who went unnamed), Drew Bledsoe and more, as evidenced by the below:

“Peyton, thank you so much for coming out to L.A. to do this. I know sometimes you live in Denver, and sometimes you live in Louisiana, but you’ll always live in my shadow.”
“The word ‘hero’ comes to mind. But I struggle with that word. Because like the rest of America, I’ll always remember where I was that fateful day in September of 2001, when tragically, those two Jets slammed into Drew Bledsoe.”
“I’ve heard some people talk about me having bad knees. You know why my knees are so fucked up, Kevin? Because I spent so many goddamn hours on the floor begging Netflix to get Chappelle to host this. Yeah, fuck you, Kevin.”
“Glaser, Schulz, Hinchcliffe, 2 racist Bears, who picked this shitty lineup, the New York Jets front office? But I’m not gonna say shit about Sam Jay, because she looks like that fucking dude who shredded my ACL.”
“Kim Kardashian, thank you so much for being here. I know Kim was terrified to be here tonight. Not because of this, but because her kids are at home with their dad.”
“Where’s Roger Goodell? Remember Deflategate? The NFL spent $20 million and found that it was more ‘probable’ than not that I was ‘generally aware’ that someone may have deflated my footballs. You could have just given me the $20 million and I would have just told you I fucking did it.”

While I’m not sure if Tom Brady should ever take the stage for a televised stand-up special all on his own, this Netflix roast proves that he’d be a damned fine entrant in the line-up of roasters for whatever the next special is. Nothing has been announced during the rest of Netflix’s 2024 schedule, but one can imagine if The Roast of Tom Brady is a big hit, then there will be more on the way sooner rather than later.

Assistant Managing Editor

Nick is a Cajun Country native and an Assistant Managing Editor with a focus on TV and features. His humble origin story with CinemaBlend began all the way back in the pre-streaming era, circa 2009, as a freelancing DVD reviewer and TV recapper.  Nick leapfrogged over to the small screen to cover more and more television news and interviews, eventually taking over the section for the current era and covering topics like Yellowstone, The Walking Dead and horror. Born in Louisiana and currently living in Texas — Who Dat Nation over America’s Team all day, all night — Nick spent several years in the hospitality industry, and also worked as a 911 operator. If you ever happened to hear his music or read his comics/short stories, you have his sympathy.